Tongue Twister

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits
down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a
black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have
black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister
accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with
the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying,
'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two
pickets to Tittsburgh'........... So she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue
twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my
wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally
said,'You've ruined my life you evil fat bitch'.!!!!!

SNL Sofa King Skit

weenie test

>> Weenie Test

>>

>>Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid

>>and a Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.

>>

>>The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who

>>has the largest weenie," he says.

>>

>>"Okay." They all agree.

>>

>>The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

>>

>>"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly

>>shows that his is at least an inch longer.

>>

>>Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not

>>only the biggest, but the fattest.

>>

>>That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks

>>him what he did at school today.

>>

>>"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud

>>from

>

>>a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game

>>called "Let's see who has the largest weenie."

>>

>>"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

>>

>>"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I

>>had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that

>>true, Mom?"

>> >> Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty- one.

COWBOY HONEYMOON

COWBOY HONEYMOON

Cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their
honeymoon.

The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, "This here is a very special 'casion....our wedding night, and
we need a good room with a strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not,
I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it."

I Love My Job!!

Dream Jobs and the Best Companies to work for
The Coolest Companies to work for

LOVE MY JOB . . . . .

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about
the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a
sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya
swallar?"

The Woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes
her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up The back
of her dress, yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives her Right butt cheek a
lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and
the obstruction
fli! es out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again,
the hillbilly walks
slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I' d heerd of that there 'Hind
Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

Fw: What Starts With F and ends in K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade . My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She greed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to he 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and ticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do stand ing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

FW: Fwd: The Idiot Report for 2006

The Idiot Report........

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there wo uld be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that t he chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ but you still get a sign ____________________________________________________________________

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 20056
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided tha t he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. (probably Weyauwega , Wisconsin ) We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The rea son: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
>From Kingman , KS .

______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I wa tched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
_______________________________________________________

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us ..

and they REPRODUCE ..!!!

FW: Fwd: FW: Fwd: Fw: Letter to Dr. Phil

Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,

PS Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught

Dear Fisherman, Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.

That's a nice pair of bass!

DR Phil

Fw: A chuckle from Mollies "mom"

Subject: Norwegian Firefighters

One dark night outside a small town near Poulsbo,
Washington, a fire
started inside the local chemical plant and in a
blink of an eye it
exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for
miles around. When
the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene,
the chemical company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our
secret formulas
are in the vault in the center of the plant. They
must be saved. I will
give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them
out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire
departments had to be called in as the situation
became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out
that the offer wasnow
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out
the company'ssecret
files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another
fire truck came
into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural
township volunteer fire
company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of
65. To everyone's
amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared
right past all the
newer sleek engines that were parked outside the
plant.


Without even slowing down it drove straight into the
middle of the
inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian
old timers jumped
off right in the middle of the fire and fought it
back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had
extinguished the fireand
had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced
that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000,
and walked overto
personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the
event on film,
asking their chief, "What are you going to do with
all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief,
"Da first thing ve
gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"