Friday, December 5, 2008

Holiday Party Memo


 

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

        TO:         All Employees

        DATE:    October 01, 2003

        RE:       Gala Christmas Party

        I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
      on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
      House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
      band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if
      our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at
      1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
      no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
      everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

        Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

        Merry Christmas to you and your family,

        Patty


      ============================================================================

         FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

         TO:        All Employees

         DATE:    October 02, 2003

         RE:       Gala Holiday Party

           In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
      employees. We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
      coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from
      now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
      employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

      There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We
      will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

        Happy now?

        Happy Holidays to you and your family,

        Patty



      ============================================================================

        FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

         TO:      All Employees

        DATE:   October 03, 2003

        RE:       Holiday Party


         Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ..

         You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a

        table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

        Somebody?

          And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the
      union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

         REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



      =================================================== =========================

        FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

        To:        All Employees

        DATE:   October 04, 2003

        RE:        Generic Holiday Party


           What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to t ake it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

      Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
      from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
      the restrooms.

        Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
       Gay men, each group will have their own table.

        Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

        To the person asking permission to cross dress,  the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing allowed,                     apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.

        We will have booster seats for short people.

        Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

        I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food.  The Grill House suggests
        that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

        There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for  diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"         desserts. Sorry!

         Did I miss anything?!?!?

        Patty


      ============================================================================


        FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

        TO:         All F#$&*ng Employees

        DATE:    October  05, 2003

        RE:         The F*%#ing Holiday Party


          I've had it with you vegetarian pricks! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu&*^%g salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

   The rest of you fu@*&ng weirdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

        Drive drunk and die,

        The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!



      ============================================================================


        FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

        DATE:   October  06, 2003

        RE:       Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

          I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
      and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

        In the meantime, man agement has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
      give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

        Happy Holidays!

         Joan


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Fwd: FW: Healthy Level of Insanity


To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity  

 

1.
At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.  
See If They Slow Down.




2.  
Page Yourself Over The Intercom.   Don't Disguise Your Voice. !

3.  
Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something,   ask If They Want Fries with that.

4.
 Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,

Switch to Espresso.

5.
In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'

6.
Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7.
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8.
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9.  
Sing Along At The Opera.

10.  
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11.  
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!   I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the
Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!'

13.  
Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity


14.
   PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.




Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.


It's Called
....
THERAPY

 


Thursday, October 23, 2008

Beer Investment: 401-Keg


If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00  today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00!!! Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &  recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a  year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

 

Makes you proud to be an American!

 

 

 

 



Monday, August 18, 2008

Fwd: Men are just happier people


MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE ...

NICKNAMES
  • If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
  • If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT 

  • When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
  • When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY 

  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS 

  • A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..
  • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS 

  • A woman has the last word in any argument.
  • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE 

  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS 

  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE 

  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP 

  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
  • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL 

  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING 

  • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
  • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.


Sunday, July 13, 2008

Gas vs. Ink

The price of Gas versus Printer Ink

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....

You will be really shocked by the last one!

Compared with Gasoline......

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?



This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 .... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ...... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ........ . $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?


So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at...............(you won't believe it.....but it is true........) $5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

So, the next time you're at thepump,be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout,Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!


Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person,
your muffler will fall off!!

Okay, your muffler won't really fall off...but, you might run out of toilet paper

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MCCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:

When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes m e uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on h is 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why i t crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they ca ll it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:

Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Best Headlines of the Year

THE YEAR'S BEST actual HEADLINES OF 2004:

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
no, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
what a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
see if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,It May Last Awhile
you think!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
who would have thought!

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Not if I wipe thoroughly!

Eye Drops Off Shelf
So that's where I put it.

Enfield (! London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

they may be on to something!

Red Tape HoldsUp New Bridges
you mean there's something stronger than duct tape!

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
he probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
weren't they fat enough!

Astronaut TakesBlame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
aposable thumbs?

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

~~~~~~~~

Did I read that sign right?

In an Office :

TOILET OUT OF ORDER... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Near a school:
SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY

Monday, May 5, 2008

Winter Driving

It happens to all of us...

So I was driving in to work this morning, and this Dick in a truck Pulls out in front of me........Unbelievable!!!!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

THIS IS REALLY WEIRD AND AMAZING pt3



THIS IS REALLY WEIRD AND AMAZING pt2





THIS IS REALLY WEIRD AND AMAZING









Ron Mueck is a London-based photo-realist artist. Born in Melbourne,Australia, to parents who were toy makers, he labored on children's television shows for 15 years before working in special effects for such films as Labyrinth, a 1986 fantasy epic starring David Bowie. Eventually Mueck concluded that photography pretty much destroys the physical presence of the original object, and so he turned to fine art and sculpture. In the early 1990's, still in his advertising days, Mueck was commissioned to make something highly realistic, and was wondering what material would do the trick. Latex was the usual, but he wanted something harder, more precise. Luckily, he saw a little architectural decor on the wall of a boutique and inquired as to the nice, pink stuff's nature. Fiberglass resin was the answer, and Mueck has made it his bronze and marble ever since.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Electric Fence, Missing Sheep

ELECTRIC FENCE

Seems a sheep farmer was puzzled about the disappearance of some sheep on his farm.

After a few weeks the farmer decided to put up an electric fence.

About a week later, this is what he found:




Now, I know we've all heard of people being eaten by snakes & I bet most of us have said, "If a snake tried to eat me, I'd blah, blah, blah & get away."

Well, this is a Python & they're extremely aggressive & have a few teeth that they use to hold their prey while they wrap around them & then constrict.

Could you get away if this one bit you & held on with it's

"few teeth?"

(Note: The wires are 10 inches apart.)

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Two Great Stories - BOTH TRUE - and worth reading!


Two Great Stories - BOTH TRUE - and worth reading!

STORY NUMBER ONE
Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned
Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was his lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.


To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but also, Eddie got special dividends. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire
Chicago City block.

Eddie lived the high life of the
Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him. Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object. And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was. Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done. He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity.   To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great.

So, he testified.   ;Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely
Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he  had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine. The poem read:

The clock of life is wound but once,
And no man has the power
To tell just when the hands will stop
At late or early hour.
Now is the only time you own.
Live, love, toil with a will.
Place no faith in time.
For the clock may soon be still.



STORY NUMBER TWO

World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier
Lexington in the South Pacific.  One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. He would not hav e enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship. His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold: a squadron of Japanese aircraft were speeding their way toward the American fleet. The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.

There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet. Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent. Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible and rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction. Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier. Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft.

This took place on
February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II , and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor.

A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29.

His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in
Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.
So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son.

Shopping at Wal-Mart scam...

    Here's how the scam works:
    Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Wal Mart. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

    I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, yesterday and most likely tomorrow.

BABIES - How to tell the difference


Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib
and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly
disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he
resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a
little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks
and I've got blue ones."

SHAME ON YOU. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

smarty pants

Smarty Pants Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.  As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened  his trench coat and flashed at her.  Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smarty Pants Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,  "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"   The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


Smarty Pants Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop  said.  The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


Smarty Pants Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"  The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

#1 SMARTY PANTS ANSWER

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other  excuses whatsoever!"

A wise guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"  The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was  restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


Oil Shortage




This Should Help Explain It All...

 
A lot of folks can't understand

how we came to have

an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

Alaska

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

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Any Questions?

Skippy


Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous..
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her
eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit
and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and
said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer
rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the
woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

Send this to someone who needs a laugh.

Ambidextrous Golf


Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday
morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week.

Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another
city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard
the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.

Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not
one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one
man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at
6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her
immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could
possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be
okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or
6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them
with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the
entire round. The guys were impressed!

Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited
her back the next week.

She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only
this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as
she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now
the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make
them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out.

She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up,
but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week
she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was
determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her.

As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some
petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up. This week the lady
lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat
all three of them. However she was so gracious and
so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge
against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads
at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the
conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He
asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed
or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun
switching back and forth.

Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I
discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit.
Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the
covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed
right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the
guys on the team thought this was hysterical."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
"But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"


She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

Monday, April 21, 2008

THESE ARE A HOOT! EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS



 
Subject: EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.Suddenly, I noticed
that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX ...

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall."Big breaths,"
I instructed."Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications."Which one?" I asked."The patch, the
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running
out of places to put it!"I had him quickly undress, and discovered
what I hoped I wouldn't see.Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his
body!Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?"After a look of complete confusion, she
answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was
alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this
morning?""It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.I can't seem
to get used to the taste," the patient replied.I then asked to see the
jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery.When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY!!!............

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.To cover my
embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me.I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.Was I tickling you?"She replied, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar
Meyer Wiener."

Doctor wouldn't submit his name(Can't blame him!    

 


Anger Management



Sometimes when you are angry with someone, it
helps to sit down and think about the problem.