Fwd: Little Tony

Little Tony

A teacher asks her class, "if there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"  She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,'" but I like your thinking."

LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.

Fwd: little white guy....too funny not to share!

A Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him; looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown. The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"  The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around!"

Bush visits primary school

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.  "Stanley," responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Stanley?" I have 4 questions:

 

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second,why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" 

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

 

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name. "Steve," he responds. And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions. 

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?   

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? 

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? 

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? 

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

 

 

 

 

Private Part

My Private Part Died Today



An old man, Mr Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a  nursing
home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy
asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died
today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little
crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my
condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with
his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the
hall
like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday
that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.


"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing.

---

9 Things Women Say When Trouble Is Near (guys pay attention)

> 9 Words women use
>

> 1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an
> argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
>
> 2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this
> means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five
> minutes if you have just been given five more minutes
> to watch the game before helping around the house.
>
> 3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.
> This means something, and you should be on your toes.
> Arguments that begin with nothing usually e nd in
> fine.
>
> 4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission.
> Don't Do It!
>
> 5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is
> a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
> loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
> wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
> arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for
> the meaning of nothing.)
>
> 6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous
> statements a women can make to a man. That's okay
> means she wants to think long and hard before deciding
> how and when you will pay for your mistake.
>
> 7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do n ot
> question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
>
> 8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of
> saying F@!K YOU!
>
> 9.) Don't worry about it, I got it :
> Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something
> that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
> is now doing it herself. This will later result in a
> man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's re sponse
> refer to #3.
>
> Send this to the men you know, to warn
> them about arguments they can avoid if they remember
> the terminology.
>
> Send this to all the women you know to
> give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

Tongue Twister

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits
down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a
black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have
black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister
accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with
the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying,
'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two
pickets to Tittsburgh'........... So she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue
twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my
wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally
said,'You've ruined my life you evil fat bitch'.!!!!!

SNL Sofa King Skit

Stress Test

Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.

...

...

...

...

...

Fart Study

Standard Fart
The Standard fart is quite simply an average every day fart suitable for most events and in the company of most everyone. It is dry in nature, but rarely exibits a bouquet that will inspire jealousy among friends or co-workers. It belongs to the same family as The Ripper, and often times only lacks a bit of confidence and pressure to achieve this next level. An example of the standard fart may be heard by clicking the button below.

The Nervous Fart
The Nervous Fart is only executable intentionally by farting masters, as it is normally a reaction to an unpleasant situation rather than something you can practice. You may have heard one of these at a kindergarden concert or during a company meeting where layoffs were mentioned. One of the characteristics of this fart is the high pitch at the end caused by the clamping of butt cheeks once it is heard by the nervous culprit.

The Cough-Fart Combo
The Cough-Fart Combo is a premeditated activity undertaken by one trying to mask his activities. This technique is often used in the presence of women; especially those who don’t understand that farts are funny.
Warning: The Cough-Fart Combo can be a double edged sword, especially when your timing is a bit off, or the fart lasts longer than expected!

The Wet One (AKA-Stickey Fart)
The Wet One will score you huge points with the lads. Mostly because they’re hoping you just shit yourself. The wet one is often followed by an inspection of one’s underpants for damage.The Sticky One is funny for all but the perpetrator, and usually always results in the need for some clean up.

The Power Fart
This fart is very standard and dry in nature but is, as mentioned earlier, pushed out with a bit more confidence. It is usually quite well respected if it is heared by unsuspecting passers by or blown in a church or quiet place. It is especially effective when used to punctuate the last word of a boring speaker’s lecture.

The Soprano
This fart is difficult to describe. It is quite high pitched in nature, and often times is associated with a tingling vibratory feeling in the crotch area. It can be used to significantly lengthen a ripper or standard fart if you are going for duration.

My personal favorite: The Ripper.
It is strong, intense and gives you a good deal of confidence that all have enjoyed or at least experienced it.
It is not only loud, and with varriable tones, but carries with it the reputation as being quite stinky. This one is ideally suited for a car journey, especially with child-lock electric windows.

Funny Dance Dance Revolution Video

Bed, Bath, and Beyond: Sexy New Bedding and Towel Lineup

How Simple Ideas Like This Can Make You Wealthy

FW: How to spot a millionaire

How one twenty-something turned trash into cold hard cash

Fw: I went shopping at the local Asian Market...

What I wish I knew when I was 20

The best acoustic guitar solo I've ever heard

FW: Have you ever been this tired?

Fw: My Owner is an Idiot! - this is hilarious!

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