Fw: What Starts With F and ends in K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade . My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She greed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to he 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and ticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do stand ing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

FW: Fwd: The Idiot Report for 2006

The Idiot Report........

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there wo uld be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
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Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that t he chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
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Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
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Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ but you still get a sign ____________________________________________________________________

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
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Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
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Idiot Number Seven of 20056
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided tha t he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. (probably Weyauwega , Wisconsin ) We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The rea son: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
>From Kingman , KS .

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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
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IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I wa tched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
_______________________________________________________

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us ..

and they REPRODUCE ..!!!

FW: Fwd: FW: Fwd: Fw: Letter to Dr. Phil

Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,

PS Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught

Dear Fisherman, Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.

That's a nice pair of bass!

DR Phil

Fwd: FW: Fwd: How to tell if your neighbor doesn't like you.

Why you should never burn bridges

This explains why we forward jokes

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.


After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.


When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.




When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"




"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.




"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.




"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."




The man gestured, and the gate began to open.




"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.




"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."




The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.


After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.




As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.




"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"


"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."




"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.




"There should be a bowl by the pump."


They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.




"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.




"This is Heaven," he answered.




"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."




"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."




"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"




"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."




Soooo...




Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.


Maybe this will explain.


When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.


When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.




When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.




Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?




A forwarded joke.




So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.




You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime .

One For The Web Developers and Programmers

How to get acquired by a larger business

FW: Friday Night

Subject: Friday NIght

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday

night to have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the

girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out

and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the

pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time

and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy

everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how

many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy

insists on the family pack cause he thinks he will be rather busy, it

being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the

girl's p arents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows

his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to

the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a

pharmacist."