COWBOY HONEYMOON

COWBOY HONEYMOON

Cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their
honeymoon.

The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, "This here is a very special 'casion....our wedding night, and
we need a good room with a strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not,
I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it."

NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about
the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a
sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya
swallar?"

The Woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes
her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up The back
of her dress, yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives her Right butt cheek a
lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and
the obstruction
fli! es out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again,
the hillbilly walks
slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I' d heerd of that there 'Hind
Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

FW: Fwd: The Idiot Report for 2006

The Idiot Report........

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there wo uld be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that t he chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ but you still get a sign ____________________________________________________________________

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 20056
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided tha t he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. (probably Weyauwega , Wisconsin ) We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The rea son: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
>From Kingman , KS .

______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I wa tched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
_______________________________________________________

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us ..

and they REPRODUCE ..!!!

FW: Fwd: The End is Near

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of

a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the

United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Texas boys will be

dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the

following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

FW: REDNECKTRACTOR PULL

Fw: BUBBA-ALLS

another money making plan I missed out on!!! :(



This is the latest fad from Arkansas, could spread over the entire south before long. Good investment possibilities!


Right now, these are only available at the Walmart in Huntsville Arkansas but Distributors are actively being sought.

Fwd: New Pentagon Task Force

How to add a revenue stream to any business

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma,Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been
given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no bag limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups , country music,women or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

FW: Fwd: FW: White Trash Hurricane Survival Kit

>White Trash Hurricane Survival Kit
>
>Toilet Paper .......... check
>
>Bud Light .......... check
>
>Keystone Ice .......... check
>
>Budweiser .......... check
>
>Red Dog .......... check
>
>Misc. other bottles of alcohol .......... check
>
>Piece of plywood to float your chick & booze on . check
>
>Next time let's all be more prepared!