weenie test

>> Weenie Test

>>

>>Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid

>>and a Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.

>>

>>The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who

>>has the largest weenie," he says.

>>

>>"Okay." They all agree.

>>

>>The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

>>

>>"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly

>>shows that his is at least an inch longer.

>>

>>Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not

>>only the biggest, but the fattest.

>>

>>That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks

>>him what he did at school today.

>>

>>"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud

>>from

>

>>a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game

>>called "Let's see who has the largest weenie."

>>

>>"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

>>

>>"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I

>>had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that

>>true, Mom?"

>> >> Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty- one.

One For The Web Developers and Programmers

How to get acquired by a larger business

FW: Friday Night

Subject: Friday NIght

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday

night to have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the

girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out

and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the

pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time

and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy

everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how

many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy

insists on the family pack cause he thinks he will be rather busy, it

being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the

girl's p arents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows

his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to

the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a

pharmacist."

[Fwd: FW: Now, this is what I call a bad day !!!]

Off the Clock

My ex-husband had this annoying habit of bringing greasy old carburetors and things into the house to work on. So, last week, when my friend called to tell me this story, my first response was, "Where did this guy live"?

Now, reassured that I was never related to him by marriage, this really is too hilarious not to share.

The way my friend told it, this guy pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to start it to make sure everything was still okay. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear and crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars.

His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the noise and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911 and the paramedics transported the guy to the emergency room.

So far, the story is humorous, in a "that is what you get for being a big enough lout to bring your motorcycle into the house," kind of way. But, here is where I really split a gut.

Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back together, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet.

Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up, lit a cigarette and went into the bathroom. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because his wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door.

The wife heard the explosion and her husband's screams. She ran into the hall and found him lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher and broke the guy's collarbone.

Talk about instant karma.

--Written by Rebecca Dudley of the Brush News-Tribune