[Fwd: FW: Now, this is what I call a bad day !!!]

Off the Clock

My ex-husband had this annoying habit of bringing greasy old carburetors and things into the house to work on. So, last week, when my friend called to tell me this story, my first response was, "Where did this guy live"?

Now, reassured that I was never related to him by marriage, this really is too hilarious not to share.

The way my friend told it, this guy pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to start it to make sure everything was still okay. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear and crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars.

His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the noise and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911 and the paramedics transported the guy to the emergency room.

So far, the story is humorous, in a "that is what you get for being a big enough lout to bring your motorcycle into the house," kind of way. But, here is where I really split a gut.

Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back together, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet.

Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up, lit a cigarette and went into the bathroom. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because his wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door.

The wife heard the explosion and her husband's screams. She ran into the hall and found him lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher and broke the guy's collarbone.

Talk about instant karma.

--Written by Rebecca Dudley of the Brush News-Tribune

FW: Just a few things I thought you should know!!!

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. (I'll bet you're going to check this out.)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. ( Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say ...... a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

(Some days that's about what my memory span is)

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast,

the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

..................Now you know everything!

FW: Fwd: Fw: Voted Best Beer Commercial of the Year

Things every college student should know

I vote it best beer commercial of the year!

Fw: A chuckle from Mollies "mom"

Subject: Norwegian Firefighters

One dark night outside a small town near Poulsbo,
Washington, a fire
started inside the local chemical plant and in a
blink of an eye it
exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for
miles around. When
the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene,
the chemical company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our
secret formulas
are in the vault in the center of the plant. They
must be saved. I will
give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them
out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire
departments had to be called in as the situation
became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out
that the offer wasnow
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out
the company'ssecret
files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another
fire truck came
into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural
township volunteer fire
company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of
65. To everyone's
amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared
right past all the
newer sleek engines that were parked outside the
plant.


Without even slowing down it drove straight into the
middle of the
inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian
old timers jumped
off right in the middle of the fire and fought it
back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had
extinguished the fireand
had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced
that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000,
and walked overto
personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the
event on film,
asking their chief, "What are you going to do with
all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief,
"Da first thing ve
gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

From me to You

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty,




He said...no.




She asked him if he would want to be with her forever...and he said no.




She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.




She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said...




You're not pretty you're beautiful.




I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with YOU forever.




And I wouldn't cry if you walked away ...I'd die...




SO NOW I WILL SAY:




I like you because of who you are to me...A true friend.














Remember:




"A good friend will come bail you out of jail....




But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying ..




That was AWSOME!" < /SPAN>




Proud to be your Friend!

I've learned..that life is like a roll of toilet paper.


The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.













I've learned..that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.







I've learned...that the less time I have to work, the more things I get done.

Fwd: FW: can you read this???

If you can read this, you have a strange mind too!!!
Can you raed tihs?

So far 129 plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig t o a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can r aed tihs forwrad it.

ONLY FORWARD IF YOU CAN READ THIS...Update the number on top too. You count as another one. LOL

Kinda neat huh?

FW: Fwd: The End is Near

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of

a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the

United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Texas boys will be

dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the

following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday