A LITTLE MATH

Subject: FW: A LITTLE MATH

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Mathematics From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top Don't you just Love it!!!

 

Holiday Party Memo

 

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

        TO:         All Employees

        DATE:    October 01, 2003

        RE:       Gala Christmas Party

        I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
      on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
      House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
      band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if
      our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at
      1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
      no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
      everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

        Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

        Merry Christmas to you and your family,

        Patty


      ============================================================================

         FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

         TO:        All Employees

         DATE:    October 02, 2003

         RE:       Gala Holiday Party

           In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
      employees. We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
      coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from
      now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
      employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

      There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We
      will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

        Happy now?

        Happy Holidays to you and your family,

        Patty



      ============================================================================

        FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

         TO:      All Employees

        DATE:   October 03, 2003

        RE:       Holiday Party


         Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ..

         You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a

        table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

        Somebody?

          And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the
      union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

         REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



      =================================================== =========================

        FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

        To:        All Employees

        DATE:   October 04, 2003

        RE:        Generic Holiday Party


           What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to t ake it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

      Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
      from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
      the restrooms.

        Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
       Gay men, each group will have their own table.

        Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

        To the person asking permission to cross dress,  the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing allowed,                     apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.

        We will have booster seats for short people.

        Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

        I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food.  The Grill House suggests
        that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

        There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for  diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"         desserts. Sorry!

         Did I miss anything?!?!?

        Patty


      ============================================================================


        FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

        TO:         All F#$&*ng Employees

        DATE:    October  05, 2003

        RE:         The F*%#ing Holiday Party


          I've had it with you vegetarian pricks! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu&*^%g salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

   The rest of you fu@*&ng weirdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

        Drive drunk and die,

        The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!



      ============================================================================


        FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

        DATE:   October  06, 2003

        RE:       Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

          I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
      and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

        In the meantime, man agement has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
      give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

        Happy Holidays!

         Joan

Fwd: FW: Healthy Level of Insanity

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity     1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.   See If They Slow Down. 2.   Page Yourself Over The Intercom.   Don't Disguise Your Voice. ! 3.   Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something,   ask If They Want Fries with that. 4.  Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana' 6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 9.   Sing Along At The Opera. 10.   Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 11.   When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!   I Won!' 12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!' 13.   Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity 14.    PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called .... THERAPY

Beer Investment: 401-Keg

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00  today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00!!! Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &  recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a  year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

 

Makes you proud to be an American!

 

 

 

 

Fwd: Men are just happier people

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE ...

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT 

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY 

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS 

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS 

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE 

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS 

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE 

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP 

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL 

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING 

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Gas vs. Ink

The price of Gas versus Printer Ink

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....

You will be really shocked by the last one!

Compared with Gasoline......

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?



This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 .... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ...... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ........ . $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?


So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at...............(you won't believe it.....but it is true........) $5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

So, the next time you're at thepump,be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout,Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!


Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person,
your muffler will fall off!!

Okay, your muffler won't really fall off...but, you might run out of toilet paper

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MCCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes m e uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on h is 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why i t crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they ca ll it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.