smarty pants

Smarty Pants Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.  As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened  his trench coat and flashed at her.  Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smarty Pants Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,  "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"   The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


Smarty Pants Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop  said.  The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


Smarty Pants Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"  The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

#1 SMARTY PANTS ANSWER

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other  excuses whatsoever!"

A wise guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"  The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was  restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Oil Shortage

This Should Help Explain It All...

  A lot of folks can't understand

how we came to have

an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

Alaska

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Michigan

~~~

            North Dakota

          ~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

and

Texas

~~~

~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

are located in

Washington DC



Any Questions?

Skippy

Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous..
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her
eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit
and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and
said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer
rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the
woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

Send this to someone who needs a laugh.

Ambidextrous Golf

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday
morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week.

Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another
city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard
the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.

Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not
one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one
man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at
6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her
immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could
possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be
okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or
6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them
with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the
entire round. The guys were impressed!

Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited
her back the next week.

She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only
this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as
she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now
the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make
them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out.

She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up,
but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week
she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was
determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her.

As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some
petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up. This week the lady
lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat
all three of them. However she was so gracious and
so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge
against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads
at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the
conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He
asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed
or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun
switching back and forth.

Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I
discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit.
Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the
covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed
right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the
guys on the team thought this was hysterical."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
"But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

THESE ARE A HOOT! EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

 
Subject: EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.Suddenly, I noticed
that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX ...

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall."Big breaths,"
I instructed."Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications."Which one?" I asked."The patch, the
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running
out of places to put it!"I had him quickly undress, and discovered
what I hoped I wouldn't see.Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his
body!Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?"After a look of complete confusion, she
answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was
alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this
morning?""It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.I can't seem
to get used to the taste," the patient replied.I then asked to see the
jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery.When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY!!!............

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.To cover my
embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me.I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.Was I tickling you?"She replied, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar
Meyer Wiener."

Doctor wouldn't submit his name(Can't blame him!    

 

Anger Management

Sometimes when you are angry with someone, it
helps to sit down and think about the problem.

Fwd: Little Tony

Little Tony

A teacher asks her class, "if there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"  She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,'" but I like your thinking."

LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.