5 Rules a Man Needs to Live a Happy Life

Rule 1) A man needs a women who he can trust unconditionally.

Rule 2) The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. A man needs a women who cooks for him once in a while.

Rule 3) A man needs a women to balance him out when he makes poor decisions.

Rule 4) A man needs a women that enjoys being with him and makes love to him often.

Rule 5) These 4 women must never, ever, ever find out about each other.

Fwd: Fw: HUSBAND'S HABIT OF > FARTING

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FROM LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.   HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU.' 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.'

2 crocodiles

Two Crocodiles  
> 
> were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
> The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how
> You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size
> as kids. I just don't get it."
> 
> "Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
> 
> "Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
> 
> "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
> 
> "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
> 
> "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
> 
> "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
> the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
> them and eat 'em!"
> 
> "Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
> getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
> out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

Worst First Date Ever! Jay Leno

WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!  We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car . They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could thin k about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.  Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.' Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show. If you laughed at this pass it on.

A LITTLE MATH

Subject: FW: A LITTLE MATH

---

Mathematics From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top Don't you just Love it!!!

 

Holiday Party Memo

 

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

        TO:         All Employees

        DATE:    October 01, 2003

        RE:       Gala Christmas Party

        I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
      on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
      House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
      band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if
      our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at
      1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
      no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
      everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

        Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

        Merry Christmas to you and your family,

        Patty


      ============================================================================

         FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

         TO:        All Employees

         DATE:    October 02, 2003

         RE:       Gala Holiday Party

           In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
      employees. We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
      coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from
      now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
      employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

      There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We
      will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

        Happy now?

        Happy Holidays to you and your family,

        Patty



      ============================================================================

        FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

         TO:      All Employees

        DATE:   October 03, 2003

        RE:       Holiday Party


         Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ..

         You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a

        table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

        Somebody?

          And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the
      union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

         REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



      =================================================== =========================

        FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

        To:        All Employees

        DATE:   October 04, 2003

        RE:        Generic Holiday Party


           What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to t ake it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

      Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
      from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
      the restrooms.

        Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
       Gay men, each group will have their own table.

        Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

        To the person asking permission to cross dress,  the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing allowed,                     apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.

        We will have booster seats for short people.

        Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

        I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food.  The Grill House suggests
        that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

        There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for  diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"         desserts. Sorry!

         Did I miss anything?!?!?

        Patty


      ============================================================================


        FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

        TO:         All F#$&*ng Employees

        DATE:    October  05, 2003

        RE:         The F*%#ing Holiday Party


          I've had it with you vegetarian pricks! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu&*^%g salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

   The rest of you fu@*&ng weirdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

        Drive drunk and die,

        The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!



      ============================================================================


        FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

        DATE:   October  06, 2003

        RE:       Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

          I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
      and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

        In the meantime, man agement has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
      give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

        Happy Holidays!

         Joan

Fwd: FW: Healthy Level of Insanity

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity     1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.   See If They Slow Down. 2.   Page Yourself Over The Intercom.   Don't Disguise Your Voice. ! 3.   Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something,   ask If They Want Fries with that. 4.  Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana' 6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 9.   Sing Along At The Opera. 10.   Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 11.   When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!   I Won!' 12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!' 13.   Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity 14.    PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called .... THERAPY

Beer Investment: 401-Keg

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00  today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00!!! Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &  recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a  year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

 

Makes you proud to be an American!

 

 

 

 

Fwd: Men are just happier people

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE ...

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT 

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY 

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS 

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS 

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE 

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS 

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE 

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP 

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL 

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING 

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Gas vs. Ink

The price of Gas versus Printer Ink

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....

You will be really shocked by the last one!

Compared with Gasoline......

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?



This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 .... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ...... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ........ . $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?


So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at...............(you won't believe it.....but it is true........) $5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

So, the next time you're at thepump,be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout,Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!


Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person,
your muffler will fall off!!

Okay, your muffler won't really fall off...but, you might run out of toilet paper

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MCCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes m e uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on h is 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why i t crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they ca ll it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

The Best Headlines of the Year

THE YEAR'S BEST actual HEADLINES OF 2004:

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
no, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
what a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
see if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,It May Last Awhile
you think!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
who would have thought!

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Not if I wipe thoroughly!

Eye Drops Off Shelf
So that's where I put it.

Enfield (! London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
they may be on to something!

Red Tape HoldsUp New Bridges
you mean there's something stronger than duct tape!

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
he probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
weren't they fat enough!

Astronaut TakesBlame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
aposable thumbs?

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

~~~~~~~~

Did I read that sign right?

In an Office :

TOILET OUT OF ORDER... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Near a school:
SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY

GUARDIAN ANGEL

Winter Driving

It happens to all of us...

So I was driving in to work this morning, and this Dick in a truck Pulls out in front of me........Unbelievable!!!!

THIS IS REALLY WEIRD AND AMAZING pt3

THIS IS REALLY WEIRD AND AMAZING pt2

THIS IS REALLY WEIRD AND AMAZING

Ron Mueck is a London-based photo-realist artist. Born in Melbourne,Australia, to parents who were toy makers, he labored on children's television shows for 15 years before working in special effects for such films as Labyrinth, a 1986 fantasy epic starring David Bowie. Eventually Mueck concluded that photography pretty much destroys the physical presence of the original object, and so he turned to fine art and sculpture. In the early 1990's, still in his advertising days, Mueck was commissioned to make something highly realistic, and was wondering what material would do the trick. Latex was the usual, but he wanted something harder, more precise. Luckily, he saw a little architectural decor on the wall of a boutique and inquired as to the nice, pink stuff's nature. Fiberglass resin was the answer, and Mueck has made it his bronze and marble ever since.

Electric Fence, Missing Sheep

ELECTRIC FENCE

Seems a sheep farmer was puzzled about the disappearance of some sheep on his farm.

After a few weeks the farmer decided to put up an electric fence.

About a week later, this is what he found:




Now, I know we've all heard of people being eaten by snakes & I bet most of us have said, "If a snake tried to eat me, I'd blah, blah, blah & get away."

Well, this is a Python & they're extremely aggressive & have a few teeth that they use to hold their prey while they wrap around them & then constrict.

Could you get away if this one bit you & held on with it's

"few teeth?"

(Note: The wires are 10 inches apart.)

Two Great Stories - BOTH TRUE - and worth reading!

Two Great Stories - BOTH TRUE - and worth reading!

STORY NUMBER ONE
Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was his lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but also, Eddie got special dividends. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entireChicago City block.

Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him. Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object. And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was. Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done. He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity.   To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great.

So, he testified.   ;Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he  had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine. The poem read:

The clock of life is wound but once,
And no man has the power
To tell just when the hands will stop
At late or early hour.
Now is the only time you own.
Live, love, toil with a will.
Place no faith in time.
For the clock may soon be still.



STORY NUMBER TWO
World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific.  One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. He would not hav e enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship. His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold: a squadron of Japanese aircraft were speeding their way toward the American fleet. The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.

There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet. Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent. Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible and rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction. Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier. Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft.

This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II , and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor.

A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29.

His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.
So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son.

Shopping at Wal-Mart scam...

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Wal Mart. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, yesterday and most likely tomorrow.