5 Rules a Man Needs to Live a Happy Life

Rule 1) A man needs a women who he can trust unconditionally.

Rule 2) The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. A man needs a women who cooks for him once in a while.

Rule 3) A man needs a women to balance him out when he makes poor decisions.

Rule 4) A man needs a women that enjoys being with him and makes love to him often.

Rule 5) These 4 women must never, ever, ever find out about each other.

Fwd: Fw: HUSBAND'S HABIT OF > FARTING

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FROM LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.   HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU.' 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.'

2 crocodiles

Two Crocodiles  
> 
> were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
> The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how
> You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size
> as kids. I just don't get it."
> 
> "Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
> 
> "Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
> 
> "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
> 
> "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
> 
> "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
> 
> "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
> the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
> them and eat 'em!"
> 
> "Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
> getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
> out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

Worst First Date Ever! Jay Leno

WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!  We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car . They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could thin k about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.  Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.' Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show. If you laughed at this pass it on.

A LITTLE MATH

Subject: FW: A LITTLE MATH

---

Mathematics From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top Don't you just Love it!!!

 

Holiday Party Memo

 

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

        TO:         All Employees

        DATE:    October 01, 2003

        RE:       Gala Christmas Party

        I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
      on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
      House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
      band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if
      our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at
      1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
      no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
      everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

        Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

        Merry Christmas to you and your family,

        Patty


      ============================================================================

         FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

         TO:        All Employees

         DATE:    October 02, 2003

         RE:       Gala Holiday Party

           In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
      employees. We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
      coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from
      now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
      employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

      There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We
      will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

        Happy now?

        Happy Holidays to you and your family,

        Patty



      ============================================================================

        FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

         TO:      All Employees

        DATE:   October 03, 2003

        RE:       Holiday Party


         Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ..

         You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a

        table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

        Somebody?

          And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the
      union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

         REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



      =================================================== =========================

        FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

        To:        All Employees

        DATE:   October 04, 2003

        RE:        Generic Holiday Party


           What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to t ake it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

      Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
      from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
      the restrooms.

        Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
       Gay men, each group will have their own table.

        Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

        To the person asking permission to cross dress,  the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing allowed,                     apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.

        We will have booster seats for short people.

        Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

        I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food.  The Grill House suggests
        that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

        There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for  diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"         desserts. Sorry!

         Did I miss anything?!?!?

        Patty


      ============================================================================


        FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

        TO:         All F#$&*ng Employees

        DATE:    October  05, 2003

        RE:         The F*%#ing Holiday Party


          I've had it with you vegetarian pricks! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu&*^%g salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

   The rest of you fu@*&ng weirdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

        Drive drunk and die,

        The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!



      ============================================================================


        FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

        DATE:   October  06, 2003

        RE:       Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

          I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
      and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

        In the meantime, man agement has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
      give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

        Happy Holidays!

         Joan

Fwd: FW: Healthy Level of Insanity

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity     1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.   See If They Slow Down. 2.   Page Yourself Over The Intercom.   Don't Disguise Your Voice. ! 3.   Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something,   ask If They Want Fries with that. 4.  Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana' 6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 9.   Sing Along At The Opera. 10.   Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 11.   When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!   I Won!' 12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!' 13.   Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity 14.    PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called .... THERAPY