Collection of Funny Email Forwards

Fwd: Fw: HUSBAND'S HABIT OF > FARTING

2009-04-03T07:08:00.001-07:00

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FROM LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING
LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE
AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE
WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU.'

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.'

2 crocodiles

2009-03-23T08:29:00.001-07:00

Two Crocodiles
>
> were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
> The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how
> You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size
> as kids. I just don't get it."
>
> "Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
>
> "Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
>
> "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
>
> "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
>
> "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
>
> "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
> the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
> them and eat 'em!"
>
> "Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
> getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
> out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

Worst First Date Ever! Jay Leno

2009-03-19T05:15:00.001-07:00

WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car .

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood
on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could thin k about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to
the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time
date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first
date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

If you laughed at this pass it on.

A LITTLE MATH

2009-02-09T06:18:00.001-08:00

Subject: FW: A LITTLE MATH

Mathematics

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top
Don't you just Love it!!!

Holiday Party Memo

2008-12-05T14:59:00.000-08:00

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

        TO:         All Employees

        DATE:    October 01, 2003

        RE:       Gala Christmas Party

        I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
      on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
      House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
      band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if
      our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at
      1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
      no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
      everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

        Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

        Merry Christmas to you and your family,

        Patty

      ============================================================================

         FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

         TO:        All Employees

         DATE:    October 02, 2003

         RE:       Gala Holiday Party

           In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
      employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
      coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from
      now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
      employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

      There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We
      will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

        Happy now?

        Happy Holidays to you and your family,

        Patty

      ============================================================================

        FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

         TO:      All Employees

        DATE:   October 03, 2003

        RE:       Holiday Party

         Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ..

         You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a

        table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

        Somebody?

          And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the
      union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

         REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

      =================================================== =========================

        FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

        To:        All Employees

        DATE:   October 04, 2003

        RE:        Generic Holiday Party

           What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to t ake it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

      Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
      from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
      the restrooms.

        Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
       Gay men, each group will have their own table.

        Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

        To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing allowed,                     apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

        We will have booster seats for short people.

        Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

        I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests
        that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

        There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"         desserts. Sorry!

         Did I miss anything?!?!?

        Patty

      ============================================================================

        FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

        TO:         All F#$&*ng Employees

        DATE:    October 05, 2003

        RE:         The F*%#ing Holiday Party

          I've had it with you vegetarian pricks! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu&*^%g salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

   The rest of you fu@*&ng weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

        Drive drunk and die,

        The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!

      ============================================================================

        FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

        DATE:   October 06, 2003

        RE:       Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

          I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
      and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

        In the meantime, man agement has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
      give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

        Happy Holidays!

         Joan

Fwd: FW: Healthy Level of Insanity

2008-11-19T04:23:00.000-08:00

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,

Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

It's Called
.... THERAPY

Beer Investment: 401-Keg

2008-10-23T06:39:00.000-07:00

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00!!! Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be an American!

Fwd: Men are just happier people

2008-08-18T14:00:00.001-07:00

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE ...

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Gas vs. Ink

2008-07-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

The price of Gas versus Printer Ink

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....

You will be really shocked by the last one!

Compared with Gasoline......

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 .... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ...... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ........ . $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at...............(you won't believe it.....but it is true........) $5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

So, the next time you're at thepump,be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout,Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person,
your muffler will fall off!!

Okay, your muffler won't really fall off...but, you might run out of toilet paper

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

2008-07-13T09:48:00.000-07:00

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MCCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes m e uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on h is 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why i t crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they ca ll it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

The Best Headlines of the Year

2008-06-12T04:51:00.001-07:00

THE YEAR'S BEST actual HEADLINES OF 2004:

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
no, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
what a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
see if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,It May Last Awhile
you think!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
who would have thought!

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Not if I wipe thoroughly!

Eye Drops Off Shelf
So that's where I put it.

Enfield (! London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
they may be on to something!

Red Tape HoldsUp New Bridges
you mean there's something stronger than duct tape!

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
he probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
weren't they fat enough!

Astronaut TakesBlame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
aposable thumbs?

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

~~~~~~~~

Did I read that sign right?

In an Office :

TOILET OUT OF ORDER... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Near a school:
SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY

GUARDIAN ANGEL

2008-05-07T04:12:00.000-07:00

Winter Driving

2008-05-05T09:16:00.000-07:00

It happens to all of us...

So I was driving in to work this morning, and this Dick in a truck Pulls out in front of me........Unbelievable!!!!

THIS IS REALLY WEIRD AND AMAZING pt3

2008-05-01T16:50:00.000-07:00

THIS IS REALLY WEIRD AND AMAZING pt2

2008-05-01T16:49:00.000-07:00

THIS IS REALLY WEIRD AND AMAZING

2008-05-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

Ron Mueck is a London-based photo-realist artist. Born in Melbourne,Australia, to parents who were toy makers, he labored on children's television shows for 15 years before working in special effects for such films as Labyrinth, a 1986 fantasy epic starring David Bowie. Eventually Mueck concluded that photography pretty much destroys the physical presence of the original object, and so he turned to fine art and sculpture. In the early 1990's, still in his advertising days, Mueck was commissioned to make something highly realistic, and was wondering what material would do the trick. Latex was the usual, but he wanted something harder, more precise. Luckily, he saw a little architectural decor on the wall of a boutique and inquired as to the nice, pink stuff's nature. Fiberglass resin was the answer, and Mueck has made it his bronze and marble ever since.

Electric Fence, Missing Sheep

2008-04-29T12:46:00.000-07:00

ELECTRIC FENCE

Seems a sheep farmer was puzzled about the disappearance of some sheep on his farm.

After a few weeks the farmer decided to put up an electric fence.

About a week later, this is what he found:

Now, I know we've all heard of people being eaten by snakes & I bet most of us have said, "If a snake tried to eat me, I'd blah, blah, blah & get away."

Well, this is a Python & they're extremely aggressive & have a few teeth that they use to hold their prey while they wrap around them & then constrict.

Could you get away if this one bit you & held on with it's

"few teeth?"

(Note: The wires are 10 inches apart.)

Two Great Stories - BOTH TRUE - and worth reading!

2008-04-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

Two Great Stories - BOTH TRUE - and worth reading!

STORY NUMBER ONE
Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was his lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but also, Eddie got special dividends. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entireChicago City block.

Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him. Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object. And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was. Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done. He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great.

So, he testified. ;Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine. The poem read:

The clock of life is wound but once,
And no man has the power
To tell just when the hands will stop
At late or early hour.
Now is the only time you own.
Live, love, toil with a will.
Place no faith in time.
For the clock may soon be still.

STORY NUMBER TWO
World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific. One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. He would not hav e enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship. His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold: a squadron of Japanese aircraft were speeding their way toward the American fleet. The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.

There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet. Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent. Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible and rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction. Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier. Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft.

This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II , and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor.

A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29.

His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.
So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son.

Shopping at Wal-Mart scam...

2008-04-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Wal Mart. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, yesterday and most likely tomorrow.

BABIES - How to tell the difference

2008-04-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib
and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly
disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he
resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a
little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks
and I've got blue ones."

SHAME ON YOU. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

smarty pants

2008-04-24T10:12:00.000-07:00

Smarty Pants Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smarty Pants Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smarty Pants Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smarty Pants Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

#1 SMARTY PANTS ANSWER

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A wise guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Oil Shortage

2008-04-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

This Should Help Explain It All...

A lot of folks can't understand

how we came to have

an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

Alaska

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Michigan

~~~

North Dakota

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

and

Texas

~~~

~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

are located in

Washington DC

Any Questions?

Skippy

2008-04-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous..
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her
eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit
and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and
said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer
rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the
woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

Send this to someone who needs a laugh.

Ambidextrous Golf

2008-04-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday
morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week.

Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another
city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard
the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.

Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not
one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one
man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at
6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her
immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could
possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be
okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or
6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them
with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the
entire round. The guys were impressed!

Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited
her back the next week.

She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only
this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as
she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now
the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make
them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out.

She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up,
but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week
she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was
determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her.

As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some
petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up. This week the lady
lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat
all three of them. However she was so gracious and
so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge
against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads
at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the
conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He
asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed
or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun
switching back and forth.

Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I
discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit.
Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the
covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed
right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the
guys on the team thought this was hysterical."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
"But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

THESE ARE A HOOT! EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

2008-04-21T16:44:00.001-07:00

Subject: EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.Suddenly, I noticed
that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX ...

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall."Big breaths,"
I instructed."Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications."Which one?" I asked."The patch, the
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running
out of places to put it!"I had him quickly undress, and discovered
what I hoped I wouldn't see.Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his
body!Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?"After a look of complete confusion, she
answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was
alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this
morning?""It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.I can't seem
to get used to the taste," the patient replied.I then asked to see the
jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery.When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY!!!............

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.To cover my
embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me.I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.Was I tickling you?"She replied, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar
Meyer Wiener."

Doctor wouldn't submit his name(Can't blame him!

Anger Management

2008-04-21T16:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when you are angry with someone, it
helps to sit down and think about the problem.

Fwd: Little Tony

2007-09-24T13:11:00.001-07:00

Little Tony

A teacher asks her class, "if there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,'" but I like your thinking."

LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.

Fwd: little white guy....too funny not to share!

2007-08-05T15:20:00.001-07:00

A Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him; looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown. The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around!"

Bush visits primary school

2007-08-05T10:00:00.001-07:00

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. "Stanley," responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Stanley?" I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second,why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name. "Steve," he responds. And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

Private Part

2007-08-05T09:55:00.001-07:00

My Private Part Died Today

An old man, Mr Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing
home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy
asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died
today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little
crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my
condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with
his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the
hall
like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday
that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing.

9 Things Women Say When Trouble Is Near (guys pay attention)

2007-06-22T07:16:00.000-07:00

> 9 Words women use
>
> 1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an
> argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
>
> 2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this
> means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five
> minutes if you have just been given five more minutes
> to watch the game before helping around the house.
>
> 3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.
> This means something, and you should be on your toes.
> Arguments that begin with nothing usually e nd in
> fine.
>
> 4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission.
> Don't Do It!
>
> 5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is
> a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
> loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
> wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
> arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for
> the meaning of nothing.)
>
> 6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous
> statements a women can make to a man. That's okay
> means she wants to think long and hard before deciding
> how and when you will pay for your mistake.
>
> 7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do n ot
> question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
>
> 8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of
> saying F@!K YOU!
>
> 9.) Don't worry about it, I got it :
> Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something
> that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
> is now doing it herself. This will later result in a
> man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's re sponse
> refer to #3.
>
> Send this to the men you know, to warn
> them about arguments they can avoid if they remember
> the terminology.
>
> Send this to all the women you know to
> give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

Tongue Twister

2007-05-20T08:53:00.001-07:00

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'........... So she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said,'You've ruined my life you evil fat bitch'.!!!!! SNL Sofa King Skit

Stress Test

2007-05-20T08:47:00.000-07:00

Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.

...

Fart Study

2007-05-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

Standard Fart
The Standard fart is quite simply an average every day fart suitable for most events and in the company of most everyone. It is dry in nature, but rarely exibits a bouquet that will inspire jealousy among friends or co-workers. It belongs to the same family as The Ripper, and often times only lacks a bit of confidence and pressure to achieve this next level. An example of the standard fart may be heard by clicking the button below.

The Nervous Fart
The Nervous Fart is only executable intentionally by farting masters, as it is normally a reaction to an unpleasant situation rather than something you can practice. You may have heard one of these at a kindergarden concert or during a company meeting where layoffs were mentioned. One of the characteristics of this fart is the high pitch at the end caused by the clamping of butt cheeks once it is heard by the nervous culprit.

The Cough-Fart Combo
The Cough-Fart Combo is a premeditated activity undertaken by one trying to mask his activities. This technique is often used in the presence of women; especially those who don’t understand that farts are funny.
Warning: The Cough-Fart Combo can be a double edged sword, especially when your timing is a bit off, or the fart lasts longer than expected!

The Wet One (AKA-Stickey Fart)
The Wet One will score you huge points with the lads. Mostly because they’re hoping you just shit yourself. The wet one is often followed by an inspection of one’s underpants for damage.The Sticky One is funny for all but the perpetrator, and usually always results in the need for some clean up.

The Power Fart
This fart is very standard and dry in nature but is, as mentioned earlier, pushed out with a bit more confidence. It is usually quite well respected if it is heared by unsuspecting passers by or blown in a church or quiet place. It is especially effective when used to punctuate the last word of a boring speaker’s lecture.

The Soprano
This fart is difficult to describe. It is quite high pitched in nature, and often times is associated with a tingling vibratory feeling in the crotch area. It can be used to significantly lengthen a ripper or standard fart if you are going for duration.

My personal favorite: The Ripper.
It is strong, intense and gives you a good deal of confidence that all have enjoyed or at least experienced it.
It is not only loud, and with varriable tones, but carries with it the reputation as being quite stinky. This one is ideally suited for a car journey, especially with child-lock electric windows.

Funny Dance Dance Revolution Video

Bed, Bath, and Beyond: Sexy New Bedding and Towel Lineup

2007-05-20T08:21:00.001-07:00

How Simple Ideas Like This Can Make You Wealthy

FW: How to spot a millionaire

2007-04-06T16:47:00.000-07:00

How one twenty-something turned trash into cold hard cash

Fw: I went shopping at the local Asian Market...

2007-04-06T16:38:00.000-07:00

What I wish I knew when I was 20

The best acoustic guitar solo I've ever heard

FW: Have you ever been this tired?

2007-04-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

Fw: My Owner is an Idiot! - this is hilarious!

2007-04-06T15:50:00.000-07:00

Hunk Calendar

2007-04-06T15:44:00.000-07:00

weenie test

2007-04-06T15:37:00.000-07:00

>> Weenie Test

>>Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid

>>and a Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.

>>The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who

>>has the largest weenie," he says.

>>"Okay." They all agree.

>>The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

>>"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly

>>shows that his is at least an inch longer.

>>Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not

>>only the biggest, but the fattest.

>>That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks

>>him what he did at school today.

>>"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud

>>from

>>a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game

>>called "Let's see who has the largest weenie."

>>"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

>>"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I

>>had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that

>>true, Mom?"

>> >> Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty- one.

FW: I think you are the father of one of my kids...

2007-04-06T15:32:00.000-07:00

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS..........
>
>
>
> A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman
>wave
>
> at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place
>
> where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
>
>
>
> To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
>
>
>
> Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
>
> to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
>
> party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
>
> watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
>
>
>
> She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
>
> teacher."

COWBOY HONEYMOON

2007-04-06T15:31:00.000-07:00

COWBOY HONEYMOON

Cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their
honeymoon.

The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, "This here is a very special 'casion....our wedding night, and
we need a good room with a strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not,
I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it."

I Love My Job!!

2007-04-06T15:30:00.000-07:00

Dream Jobs and the Best Companies to work for
The Coolest Companies to work for

LOVE MY JOB . . . . .

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

FW: Got Beer?

2007-04-06T15:26:00.000-07:00

Got beer???? A landlord's nightmare

A SINGLE GUY LIVED IN THIS TOWNHOUSE FOR 8 YEARS IN OGDEN UTAH . THE LANDLORD THOUGHT HE WAS THE BEST RENTER BECAUSE HE NEVER CALLED OR COMPLAINED AND WAS NEVER LATE ON A PAYMENT .

THESE PICTURES DON'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO WHAT IT REALLY LOOKED LIKE.

CENTURY 21REALTY HAD ALREADY MOVED SOME OF THE CANS OUT, AND THEY HAD CAVED IN THE TUNNELS THAT THE RENTER HAD MADE TO GET TO THE BEDROOM, BATHROOM, AND KITCHEN .

All this, yet you still do not see any dust, scattered clothing, or dirty dishes anywhere .

Other than having a minor drinking problem, he was basically a very clean, organized person. Add to this, the fact that he was concerned about his health, proven by the fact that he drank "light" beer.

The Real Batman

2007-04-06T15:25:00.000-07:00

Check this guy. I takes a lot of faith in your work to try this.

http://www.jet-man.com/actuel_eng.html

NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT

2007-04-06T15:24:00.000-07:00

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about
the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a
sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya
swallar?"

The Woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes
her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up The back
of her dress, yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives her Right butt cheek a
lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and
the obstruction
fli! es out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again,
the hillbilly walks
slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I' d heerd of that there 'Hind
Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

FW: Fwd: You were worried about just 'gators in Florida!

2007-04-06T15:22:00.000-07:00

Fw: Fw: pics to make u smile

2007-04-06T15:19:00.000-07:00

Fw: How to know when you REALLY want a bee

2007-04-06T15:16:00.000-07:00

Fw: What Starts With F and ends in K?

2007-04-06T15:11:00.000-07:00

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade . My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She greed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to he 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and ticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do stand ing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

FW: Fwd: The Idiot Report for 2006

2007-04-06T15:10:00.000-07:00

The Idiot Report........

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there wo uld be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that t he chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ but you still get a sign ____________________________________________________________________

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 20056
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided tha t he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. (probably Weyauwega , Wisconsin ) We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The rea son: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
>From Kingman , KS .

______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I wa tched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
_______________________________________________________

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us ..

and they REPRODUCE ..!!!

FW: Fwd: FW: Fwd: Fw: Letter to Dr. Phil

2007-04-06T15:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,

PS Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught

Dear Fisherman, Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.

That's a nice pair of bass!

DR Phil

Fwd: FW: Fwd: How to tell if your neighbor doesn't like you.

2007-04-06T14:58:00.000-07:00

Why you should never burn bridges

This explains why we forward jokes

2007-04-06T14:56:00.000-07:00

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime .

One For The Web Developers and Programmers

2007-04-05T09:03:00.000-07:00

How to get acquired by a larger business

FW: Friday Night

2007-04-05T09:01:00.000-07:00

Subject: Friday NIght

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday

night to have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the

girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out

and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the

pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time

and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy

everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how

many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy

insists on the family pack cause he thinks he will be rather busy, it

being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the

girl's p arents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows

his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to

the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a

pharmacist."

[Fwd: FW: Now, this is what I call a bad day !!!]

2007-04-05T04:27:00.000-07:00

Off the Clock

My ex-husband had this annoying habit of bringing greasy old carburetors and things into the house to work on. So, last week, when my friend called to tell me this story, my first response was, "Where did this guy live"?

Now, reassured that I was never related to him by marriage, this really is too hilarious not to share.

The way my friend told it, this guy pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to start it to make sure everything was still okay. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear and crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars.

His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the noise and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911 and the paramedics transported the guy to the emergency room.

So far, the story is humorous, in a "that is what you get for being a big enough lout to bring your motorcycle into the house," kind of way. But, here is where I really split a gut.

Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back together, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet.

Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up, lit a cigarette and went into the bathroom. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because his wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door.

The wife heard the explosion and her husband's screams. She ran into the hall and found him lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher and broke the guy's collarbone.

Talk about instant karma.

--Written by Rebecca Dudley of the Brush News-Tribune

FW: Just a few things I thought you should know!!!

2007-04-05T04:24:00.000-07:00

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. (I'll bet you're going to check this out.)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. ( Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say ...... a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

(Some days that's about what my memory span is)

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast,

the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

..................Now you know everything!

FW: Fwd: Fw: Voted Best Beer Commercial of the Year

2007-04-05T04:21:00.000-07:00

Things every college student should know

I vote it best beer commercial of the year!

Fw: A chuckle from Mollies "mom"

2007-04-05T04:20:00.000-07:00

Subject: Norwegian Firefighters

One dark night outside a small town near Poulsbo,
Washington, a fire
started inside the local chemical plant and in a
blink of an eye it
exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for
miles around. When
the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene,
the chemical company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our
secret formulas
are in the vault in the center of the plant. They
must be saved. I will
give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them
out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire
departments had to be called in as the situation
became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out
that the offer wasnow
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out
the company'ssecret
files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another
fire truck came
into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural
township volunteer fire
company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of
65. To everyone's
amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared
right past all the
newer sleek engines that were parked outside the
plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the
middle of the
inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian
old timers jumped
off right in the middle of the fire and fought it
back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had
extinguished the fireand
had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced
that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000,
and walked overto
personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the
event on film,
asking their chief, "What are you going to do with
all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief,
"Da first thing ve
gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

From me to You

2007-04-05T04:16:00.000-07:00

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty,

He said...no.

She asked him if he would want to be with her forever...and he said no.

She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.

She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said...

You're not pretty you're beautiful.

I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with YOU forever.

And I wouldn't cry if you walked away ...I'd die...

SO NOW I WILL SAY:

I like you because of who you are to me...A true friend.

Remember:

"A good friend will come bail you out of jail....

But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying ..

That was AWSOME!" < /SPAN>

Proud to be your Friend!

I've learned..that life is like a roll of toilet paper.

The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned..that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...that the less time I have to work, the more things I get done.

Fwd: FW: can you read this???

2007-04-05T04:14:00.000-07:00

If you can read this, you have a strange mind too!!!
Can you raed tihs?

So far 129 plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig t o a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can r aed tihs forwrad it.

ONLY FORWARD IF YOU CAN READ THIS...Update the number on top too. You count as another one. LOL

Kinda neat huh?

FW: Fwd: The End is Near

2007-04-05T04:10:00.000-07:00

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of

a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the

United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Texas boys will be

dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the

following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

FW:Bird Flu Florida

2007-03-30T21:18:00.001-07:00

Common Knowledge

2007-03-30T21:16:00.000-07:00

>>The average person only gets 7 correct.
>>
>>
>>
>>This is based on U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can
>>be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us
>>really see!
>>
>>
>>
>>There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known
>>about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple
>>questions are harder than you think-- it just shows you how little we
>>pay attention to the commonplace things of life. Put your thinking
>>caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting out of your chair!
>>No using anything on or in your desk or computer! Can you beat 20??
>>(The average is 7) Write down your answers as you go. Check answers
>>(on the bottom), AFTER completing all the questions.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! BE HONEST!!! That means no looking at your
>>phone or anything on your desk...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Then, before you pass this on to your friends, change the number on
>>the subject line to show how many you got correct. Forward to your
>>friends and also back to the one who sent it to you.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE.
>>
>>
>>
>>Here we go!
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people
>>don't
>>know)
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
>>(Don't you dare get up to see!)
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>7. How many matches are in a standard pack?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>10 Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>14. Which way do fans rotate?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>15 How many sides does a stop sign have?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the
>>opening between the slats?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>23. There are 12 buttons on a touch-tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no
>>digits?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>ANSWERS
>>
>>
>>
>>1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
>>BOTTOM
>>
>>2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people
>>don't
>>know) 50
>>
>>3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? RIGHT
>>
>>4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label? BLUE,
>>RED, WHITE, YELLOW, BLACK &GOLD
>>
>>5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
>>
>>1,
>>
>>0
>>
>>6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
>>RIGHT
>>
>>
>>7. How many matches are in a standard pack? 20
>>
>>8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white? RED
>>
>>9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 88
>>
>>10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
>>CLOCKWISE
>>! (NORTH OF THE EQUATOR)
>>
>>11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run? TOWARDS BOTTOM
>>RIGHT
>>
>>12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 12 (no #1)
>>
>>13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons? LEFT
>>
>>14. Which way do fans rotate? CLOCKWISE AS YOU LOOK AT IT
>>
>>15 How many sides does a stop sign have? 8
>>
>>16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? LEFT
>>
>>17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 5
>>
>>18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 6
>>
>>19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? BASHFUL
>>
>>20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package? 8
>>
>>21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? ACE OF SPADES
>>
>>22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the
>>opening between the slats? LEFT
>>
>>23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no
>>digits? *, #
>>
>>24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 3!
>>
>>25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? COUNTER
>>